journalizing

As I wait for my hard drive to compress, I find I have moment to blog…
In my own odd perspective, I’ve been writing in the evenings of those things around me. I found years ago that this helps me sleep; as I can get my thoughts onto a piece of paper, and let the paper do the remembering for me. Not wanting to ‘emotionally streak’ through the internet, suffice it to say that most of these scribblings are slowly filed away as personal and confidential. At first I’ll carry them around, as if they might be of some use, occasionally working them into an essay or particular point of view. I often journal simply to get my personal dialogue out of the way before I pray…it helps me get out of my own way when I looking to listen to the Lord.

The topics of late range from accidental discipleship and the finer points of cheese-making to sexism, resentment and pride. The accidental discipleship topic has potential, and I’ll have fun trying to further describe my thoughts and ideas. The cheese-making will fall away, quickly replaced by the next flavor of the moment, like so many idols. But the other topics lay flat – almost staining the paper, and moving me to simply throw them out.

I don’t throw them out. I have found that as I read them over, they often point to some wonderful nodule (boulder?) of deficiency in my character. That, or some reaction to either a misunderstanding or gossip. The deficiency in my character I am okay with. That is not to say, “hey, I’ve got enough Jesus for now, you can send some off to someone that really needs it.” It is more in the sense that I am ‘okay’ with accepting my responsibility for my state of being. I am more than flawed, and if you know me, you are aware of the veritable cornucopia of junk I can draw from here on ‘rationalization island’. Given to my own powers, I’d have been voted off the island years ago.

As of yet, the misunderstanding and gossip, do not offer any insight – but rather road blocks. But out of the two, I’d buy all your misunderstanding if you’d take a table spoon of my ‘he said she said.” Any takers? At least with misunderstanding, there is the possibility of finding common ground over a green-chili cheese burger…and I like green-chili. And with misunderstanding, you have some social coordinates to navigate by, so you might eventual arrive, at least, on a common seaboard.

Gossip has not afforded me these opportunities. It is an icy blow in the mind’s eye to the character of all involved. Even in the mildest forms there is a dissolving of trust that breaks ties in relationship and alters attitude. I had occasion to think on this the other evening, and remembered vividly the gossip of years past – the sort that fuels the building of strongholds, and in those that don’t know Jesus, ruins relationship and marriage. Those were rough years, and in them, if I have received anything, it is a warehouse of hazard signs.